A complex of some sort

Well, when there’s too much to do at work, you socially whine about it, secretly you are happy when you are unhappy at work as long as the content is stimulating enough. But then, when there’s too little, or absolutely nothing material to do at work, you are truly deeply depressed.

You are totally obsessed with perfecting those one-line function- or method-based code for no apparent reason at all. You were head-over-heels about this seemingly mysterious 40-year-old of the opposite sex for no legit explanation at all. However you style your code have very little impact on the execution and end result of it, if the size of input data and elegance are not a concern. And surprise, surprise, you do have a type, the emotionally unavailable kind, it’s mostly like you have a built-in radar for detecting this type of people, drawn to them the way a firefly is drawn to light. This type of unilateral investment is almost not worth it, at the end of the day, however dramatic the entire process is or how deeply you felt hurt, it ALL happened within your own head. Cannot you get a second person to care? Of course not, if you had been able to achieve that, you wouldn’t have to have gone through the logical reasoning struggle or emotional roller coaster to begin with.

Sometimes it is all about boundaries with you, and sometimes you wonder why so few people stay in touch with you if at all. This might be the cynicism talking, but maybe it is time to give up on the idea that somewhere out there there is a missing component of your life that is gonna make you genuinely happy. People, or objects. The idealistic expectation in this mentality is probably too high.

I miss in-house development, truly. Do I still wonder about what would’ve happen had that stubborn little person said yes? I do. What for? Dunno. Or am I just trying to convince myself that it would winding up being just like any other fails I’ve had before. There’s something inherent in me, that simply cannot make relationships work. Acknowledge that and move on, be content with the pseudo semi-happy state you’ve got going on with yourself, and focus on things you can act on, like building a new closet or blindly writing a new package.

I have to get this out of my chest. If someone would consider a bond with two periods of different coupon payment behaviors and slightly lengthy covenants complex, then what would they do with a layer-upon-layer tranche then? Honestly, stating the obvious is about the least nutritious thing one can do. Anyway, time out, this cannot become another complex. Enough is enough. Eyes on the long-term goal.