Today I have come to think about necessities on my home from work.
How well does any of us stay in control? Do you control your emotions, outrage, anger, impulse, urge, desire, outburst? Do we sometimes do things simply because we strongly wish to? These are some simple enough questions. The reason why I have come to think about is because I honestly realized that I, myself, the person whom I considered extremely poised might have accidentally triggered some deeper disturbances in another person’s head. Having had the urge to share my misery and seek words of wisdom from someone older and wiser has made me feel that it was a necessity to spread my struggles, failing to realize that my action would result in an equal and opposite reaction and perhaps some further echoing as well. Now, don’t wish you could take the happs back? Well, obviously there is no reset button. You live and learn, gather more bearings, voluntarily or not, along the way. I am at a point in life where I just want to, yearn for a fresh start. But then again, how many times can one person start over? A friend quoted something I said a long time ago to use back at me, “home is where you make it yours”. Well, I cannot very well remember what motivated me to come up with that. But don’t you just sometimes sense that there is this distinct detachment of yourself from the rest of the world, as if you were a floating dock without any sort of anchors underneath? Perhaps, objective attachments rather than emotional attachments is all I have left. I tried to flip the ultimatum switch a few months back under the influence of some really bad hormones (I think), unconsciously knowing that that would be the very end of something that had never started in the first place. From a deeper level, what really was my motive? Did I want to put a seemingly abrupt end to all this? Did I want get out from under it? Was I looking for some air? Did I sense the vulnerability of staying out in the open? Did I realize that all this emotional mumbo jumbo would never exceed the importance of qualification in a specific exam in my heart? Was I just unconsciously sabotaging all this so I could keep drifting? All the above might have been as a good reason as any.
Back to necessities, sometimes you do feel like you have the need to do or say certain things because your instinct or subconscious is trying to tell you something. What may seem like a lack of control might very well be an internally controlled fail-safe. Being able to understand things is apparently of paramount importance to me, being as obsessive as I am. Making sense from the inside out is so important. I guess I am finally at peace with it all. When you instinctive know something instead of obsessively and actively trying to find out the truth of something, you can be sure that this is the end.
Age, experience, possessions and titles mean nothing at all if you cannot mark the value of your swaps by hand, which ironically happens quite often in this part of the world, obviously. Sad.
Why do so many people suddenly all decide to have kids? Do they feel like they have the need to or do they genuinely want to? Or perhaps a “non-of-the-above” reason eventually turned into “wanting-to”? Had I really wanted to, wouldn’t I have a ten-year old by now? More often than not, people do have a choice in making different life choices. Well then, necessity subsequently seems like an artificially inflated concept. This could not become more obvious when I take a glance at my belongs. Do I really need all this? What kind of hollowness am I trying to fill here? It really does help once in a while to look in the rear-view mirror. Friendships do not last without proper maintenance, consuming day-time jobs kill your personal relationships, romantic relationships almost never last if you are in different places in life. Lessons learned.
All in all, this was an okay place in life. Zeroed out all entanglements, a new mortgage, a new job, a clean slate, no attachments, no unnecessary commitments but work, no emotions, well, that is, essentials only~